"Even when it feels personal, it almost never is."

The Perfect 10 with Sandra Stephens — Season 1, Episode 7

Welcome to the Reasons Not To Quit Perfect 10!

Reasons Not to Quit Perfect 10 is an interview series where fascinating, thoughtful, insightful, creative people respond to 10 questions about the ways they get through life and their personal Reasons Not To Quit.

Series One of the Perfect 10 runs on Saturdays for ten weeks, from August - October 2025

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Sandra Stephens, writer, chicken wrangler, exquisite teller of slice-of-life Portuguese expat life, and (be still my heart!) fountain pen aficionado became one of my favorite Substack reads — Under the Jacarandas — through her beautiful, candid, appreciative, genuine, and loving reports about her process of renovating an abandoned farm near Lisbon with a family including Jake the dog and an astoundingly rich and varied assortment of feral and quasi-feral roosters. I love reading her work not only for her strong voice but her robust and kind sense of herself, the tenderness and strength of her approach to life, and, indeed, the fact that she is living one of the lives I dream of for myself, leaky roofs, language barriers, and all. What a treat to get her glimpses behind the quinta walls!

Sandra Stephens (photo: Sandra Stephens)

RNTQ: In no more than 3 sentences, what do you want people to know about you?

I’m a writer living in Portugal with my husband, a chocolate lab named Jake, and more than forty feral roosters, we are renovating an abandoned five acre quinta just outside of Lisbon. I’ve lived many lives - corporate executive, software entrepreneur, canulier* - but perhaps none more important than fastpitch softball pitcher and none more surprising (if you don’t know me) than horror writer. I collect old fashioned keys and fountain pens and writing journals and own more than 2,000 books all of which I brought with me to Portugal to continue the madness. In my new life I envision holding writing conferences, however, some unexpected challenges (aren’t they all) have raised their hoary heads and while I know I will persevere through this, just how that happens is a story not yet written. Check back in a year.

*I could make you look it up but I’ll save you the trouble, that is what you call an expert baker of the French delicacy, Canele de Bordeaux.

RNTQ: When I say “reasons not to quit,” what springs to mind?

You don’t even need a reason not to quit - finishing as an action has value and that is enough of a reason, in itself, not to quit. Finishing > Quitting.

To see something through to completion gives us great experience in managing how to maintain focus through distractions to meet a goal. This is the basic recipe for learning, for working, and for life. Even the person who comes in dead last in a race gets value from not quitting.

Conversely, when it comes to the really big things in life I truly believe there is nothing at all wrong with quitting if continuing/finishing does not align with your values or goals. Chalk it up to experience and move on with learning lessons instead of regret.

RNTQ: What’s the worst piece of advice about coping with life stress you’ve ever gotten?

"You’ve got to look out for number one." Being helpful and generous is almost always better than being selfish.

Also I’ve wanted to say this since I first read the book Love Story when I was about twelve - “Love means never having to say you are sorry” is just ridiculous, a strategy to avoid difficult conversations instead of coping with what is real.

RNTQ: What’s the best piece of advice about coping with life stress you’ve ever gotten?

Not to take things personally. Even when it feels personal, it almost never is.

RNTQ: What’s one coping strategy that seems to work for everyone else, but just isn’t for you?
Eating my feelings. I’m indifferent to chocolate and ice cream. It's a real shame.

Roosters looking sassy as hell on the quinta (credit: Sandra Stephens)

RNTQ: What’s an old coping strategy you no longer use? Why don't you use it any more?

Smoking weed felt like a good coping strategy - all my anxiety magically melted away. But so did my motivation to change the thing that was causing me to need to cope, so I stopped.

RNTQ: What’s your current favorite coping strategy? What do you like about it?

First take a breath. It stops me from being reactive in stressful moments. I want to be a better listener, and this helps.

RNTQ: What do you tell yourself when you’re trying to cope on a bad day that’s helpful to you?

I used to train very hard as a runner - I’ve run 100+ marathons and ultramarathons. When I was really pushing myself - say a 3 mile sprint workout, or running up a really steep mountain trail, feeling like I was going to explode or die or something - I’d tell myself “You can stand anything for ten minutes”. It works for any length of time - I can stand anything for a day, a week, a month.

RNTQ: When you’re having a good day, what helps you appreciate it?

I made up a gratitude song, and I sing it every day usually as I feed the chickens in the morning. I’ve been singing it daily for two years. I should say that it’s about things that weren’t going well for me at the time I invented the song - terrible in fact - but most of those things have since resolved in a positive way. Maybe it’s time for new lyrics.

RNTQ: What thing dependably makes you feel a little better when you need it? It can be an activity, piece of music or art or writing, movie, food, whatever does the trick.

Sitting and watching my chickens. When we arrived here, there was a scraggly flock of feral chickens living wild on the five acres. Now, they are fed twice a day in their new home - a beautiful stone coop and courtyard. A bunch will end up perching on me, and the chair; a few are quite cuddly and will insist on being held in my lap or in my arms. They have such individual personalities, and their little chicken friendships and dramas are unexpectedly engrossing.

Jake the Dog is a loving Friend to Chickens. (photo: Sandra Stephens)

RNTQ: Someone reading this needs a Reason Not To Quit right now — what have you got?

Things will get better - they almost always do, though maybe not on your preferred timeline. Just focus on what you can control/improve right now, for yourself and those around you and before you know it it will seem better even if nothing has actually changed.

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